I certainly don’t want to bring you down, especially if life is grand and all you can see is sunshine outside your window! I just want to explain why I’ve been out of the loop lately and you’ve not heard from me for a while… (If you don’t want to get personal, leave this post and come back when things are sunshiny and gorgeous again!)
I won’t overshare, as the interweb is full of oversharing: both pictorially and word-wise, and frankly nobody needs more of that! So, in brief, I’ve suffered from anxiety and depression for over 20 years now. Wow, that’s a long time when I see it written down like that!
For the past 10 years or so I’ve dealt really well with it with the help of medication and therapy. In more recent times (the past 2 years) I’ve only needed to see my doctor every 6 months or so because things have been easy-peasy (with the exception of a full-blown breakdown when I had to change medication while I was trying to get pregnant, but that’s another story!).
Of course, life is never a smooth sea and to quote “a smooth sea never made a strong sailor” which is something that always makes me feel better. I will admit that suffering from this affliction has made me a much better person for the most. I tend to see signs of depression in others who suffer and have, hopefully, helped a number of people who were suffering in silence, to seek medical attention and grab onto an anchor in their distress.
Unfortunately, things have recently taken a turn down a dark tunnel for me, and regardless of how awesome life is – wonderful, supportive (and I believe the most handsome man I know!) hubby; two funny, happy and healthy kids; teaching Sunday School at a small church; crafting my little heart out when I have time so that I can share my wares with those on Etsy; and lots and lots of exciting plans to share crafting with others through workshops – I’ve had to admit that I was beginning to go downhill fast and needed to see my doctor for an emergency appointment where we decided to increase my medication and have more ‘chats’ for a while. How sucky is that? Not because I’ve got to see her; not at all! My doctor is the most amazing, supportive and insightful woman I’ve met and I truly love the insight she gives me and do my very best to apply what she teaches me.
The suckiness is because anxiety is without doubt the most invasive and distressing affliction I’ve had to deal with. For me the depression comes BECAUSE I’m so bloody anxious constantly (for no apparent reason) that I get so tired from being hyper-vigilant, sad because I let people down and angry because I can’t reason my way out of a feeling of impending doom that blankets my entire world.
This has been going on for 3 weeks now and honestly folks, I want to scream! I’m doing everything I should: exercising (I’ll admit I only began that again yesterday – but it felt great physically), keeping all stress and non-essential additions in my life to the bare minimum; seeking help where I can; you know, pretty much dropping out of life until I can breathe without feeling like a panic attack is just around the corner.
And you know what else is even suckier? I’m a Christian woman who tries her very best to give things over to God. Yep, I know this isn’t popular these days (and please don’t judge me. I’m not about the whole Westborough Baptist view of the world! My only aim is to be as much like Jesus as I can – love God with my whole heart, mind and soul and give people love, support and no judgement and as I go through life with them; hopefully showing them that regardless of what life throws at them, having faith can be an amazing and beautiful thing!) but no matter how I try, when I’m like this I cannot, no matter how hard I try, stay on track to pray, read my Bible and give this crappy feeling over to God. (Interestingly, many other Christians I know who suffer in this way find they can’t either and reading the Bible is almost impossible because you cannot concentrate long enough to understand what you’ve just read. Depressing really.)
Look, I know by this stage that I suffer from a biological affliction and the serotonin doesn’t go where it should in my brain, but there are some days when this ‘cross’ is pretty hard to bear…
Anyhow, enough of that! This will pass and I have amazing love, support and inspiration around me and I WILL feel better eventually. Many others around our world are dealing with MUCH, MUCH worse situations than I’ll ever see. Death, disaster and destruction of their lives.
So friends, I lied. I did overshare. Sorry.
I won’t burden you again with stuff about me that is so depressing and yuk, but I did want to explain why I’ve not been posting and sharing beautiful things with you. I do have some awesome plans for the coming months that will involve other crafty, vintage-loving mamas and awesome women from around the place, but unfortunately you’ll have to make do with some simpler posts until I finish climbing this mountain and begin coasting down the other side!
Love to you all. I’d love to hear from anybody else who goes through this kind of thing – not only can we be vintage-loving, awesome goodness loving people, we can now be online, anxiety buddies 😉
Love Mrs Jones x